The Sports Capsule offers an up-to-the-minute report of all of the things that have happened since you last checked in.

• Mantard Cup Tournament to be Held July 11th and 12th — The 17th Bi-Annual Normal Mantard Cup Tournament will be held at the La Halitosis Country Club on July 1st and 2nd. This is the last event that will be held at the venerable estate before it turned over to the state for industrial development. Sportspeople of all ages will be falling all over themselves to rub elbows with the cream of the county country club clabber clop clippety crop on Thursday, and Friday if nothing untoward occurs. Cocktails and the inevitable awards ceremony dinner will be held several blocks away, in the sun porch of Mrs. Albert and Leo Hallman. Those prone to allergies are advised to wear a copper bracelet or get shots or something. All proceeds benefit the Marvin and Mina Talleyrand Online Casino USA Foundation. The Talleyrand Foundation is the only such organization in the Tri-County Area and intends to remain so by force if necessary.
• Zoroaster Junior High School Seeks Assistant Coach — the Zoroaster Unified District’s number eight charter school is now accepting implications for the position of assistant boys. Coaching responsibilities include, but are not limited. Salary will be withheld due to inexperience and lack of education, and the position will be terminated immediately or shortly after serious commitments are made. To apply, contact Ridge Pool Jr. at the Zoroaster Athletics Department, space 12, side lot near the old stump.
• Tech High Atoms Invited to Statewide Tournament — A tournament for the always-surprising Tech High team will be held near the end of the month, probably on the weekend or something.  The goal of the tournament is to raise awareness of the tournament. Check-in is promptly at 7:15am and stragglers will have to deal with my cousin, who is big and surly and will probably have the worst hangover of his life that very morning. To sign up, make checks payable to: Charlie “Bootlick” Martian, and please, spare all that you can. The deadline was yesterday, bitches.
• Jimmy Antonelli Volleyball Clinic June 14th-15th — A volleyball clinic for young men and women who don’t ask too many questions will be held by Jimmy “The Roach” Antonelli, three-time default online slots champion in the semi-pro league of the Bowery Division. The clinic will be held after the volleyball, and experienced registered nurses are encouraged to attend.

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